Subconsciously. Good grief, fuck me I'm a sorry sack of shit.
I don't even give a fuck about my birthday, in an actual sense. Like, I don't care to acknowledge that I'm a year older or have any sort of hoopla surrounding it. What I do like about the concept is how ones birthday can be a sort of marker in relation to how much people care about you or how much you're on their radar or whatever. Obviously, this isn't true for everyone. Some people give zero fucks about any type of holiday, some people don't celebrate birthdays, some are just barely surviving so expecting them to worry about a birthday is just silly. But your closest? I don't need cake and parties, but a nod that you even know that I'm a year older is just nice.
I ain't gonna get that from my kids tomorrow because they are so self-absorbed it's sick. Don't get me wrong, they're great kids and amazing humans in a general sense and in almost every way you would hope from a friend or family member. But they are pretty damn self-absorbed and 20 years later, neither of them know when my birthday is. My brother most likely treated my request for "no gifts or celebration" verbatim, which is spectacular and what I hope(d) for from him, knowing him. My mother is not so much up on nuance and 99% of the time, how any situation can benefit her is typically how she conducts herself in said situation. So, she'll probably say some shit and make it about how she's older now, with little or - more accurately, probably - zero regard for what it means for me.
I guess it's really not about the birthday but about how much people care. Or show they care.
At the last minute behind the battlestation today I asked my superior if I could take a leave from duty tomorrow. It was very last minute, I really didn't ecpect it to get approved. But the universe was throwing me a bone today, no one else had requested even a minute of time away from battle tomorrow. What are the odds? In my life and experience, those odds are almost zilch. So tonight, the night before the day I don't really care about but recognize for a different reason, I am slamming tallboys of Natty Ice, takin' nips from a 5th of Evan Williams, smokin' mad Newports, and hittin' the Delta8 pen. Anyone who has a problem with it can kick rocks.
Tomorrow, for the actual anniversary of my actual birth, I am going to sleep in late with my dog. I'll probbaly pull a Delta8 pen wake and bake with my dog when I taker her out in the morning. I'll feed her, brush my teeth and hair, and probably crawl back in bed with my dog under the covers and watch some anime and movies all day. I haven't been able to "allow" myself to just take time for movies and such recently, outside of breaks at work, so I'm looking forward to just vegging the fuck out.
Ultimately I wish I had someone other than my dog to do that with. Don't get me wrong. My dog is the shit. She is the most amazing buddy you could hope for. But she will never replace the human interaction with a woman and stroking a smooth leg or cupping a butt check or playing with a head of hair. Or getting and giving head. Or conversation. Or preparing and eating food. Or shared space in bed.
Fuck I'm pretty lonely.
At any rate, I decided I wanted to start sharing a photo with every blog entry moving forward. So that's what's going on with this entry. I am really hellbent on just letting it all out here, documenting this journey - whatever it morphs into over time. I imagine some photo documentation could aid in that endeavor. (I'm also interested in blurring the lines of anonymity)