Since I left the rest of the modern web I have reached out to the friends, real life and online, that are/were really meaningful to me. Most of them I have not heard back from in over a month of my trying. Text, Facetime, voice call, Discord message, Discord voice, email, through private messaging at places like Last.FM, you name it. It's like I do not exist if I am not on all of the modern web social media platforms, it's unbelievable to me yet I am somehow not surprised.

Over the pandemic I fell into a very regular habit of watching DJ streams on Twitch every night and many days. That hasn't changed as pandemic life has become new normal life. However, I have found myself gravitating toward a few channels and streamers in particular. They play music I enjoy enough but it's not my favorite. I listen to and watch them because they are engaged and interact with the viewers. Shouting you out if you're engaged with them in the chat, sending bits and subscribing and all that. I don't know how real the relationships truly are. It's nice to at least feel seen and appreciated, hearing your name and commentary directed at you specifically in a public forum like Twitch is life affirming. But If I never show up to another one of these streams will they even notice? I don't know, I try not to have that thought too often. These streams and relationships, real or imagined and large or small, are quite literally keeping me here right now.

What a sad excuse I have turned into, completely and utterly and entirely wasted potential right here.

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