I have called out to work for the last two days. I went and saw the dentist three days prior to doing so. The time between which was two days of scheduled time off. My "weekend", as it were. I have to get three teeth pulled, the most important one being the one that has a half inch hole in it with exposed nerve(s). Obviously I want to get the work done but I am apprehensive about it and the pain and recovery and such. But mostly I have called out to work the last couple of days because I am simultaneously overly excited for a thing in a way I have not been as far as I can recall and decidedly depressed in an unprecedented fashion like I have never experienced. And, frankly, I don't know how to cope and no one seems to understand just how extreme both of these headspaces are right now, vying for control of this meat vessel.

I have to return to office on Monday. And for a shift that is 4 hours earlier than the shift I've been working since I began manning this battlestation. I am not looking forward to the office dynamic. Or putting on actual clothes. These people I work for and fight with are fucking morons. This organization I work for is about just two or three steps away from an actual Ponzi scheme, I feel. There is definitely some shady action going on in relation to taking advantage of people who can't afford their battle armor right out of the gate. I am just trying to look out for number one. I have taken the high road too many times in my life and been stranded as a result. While I will not actively take advantage of people, I feel like there's no real way of getting ahead if you don't do so yourself or you don't work for an organization that does so. I work for an organization that does. Maybe I can get ahead a little after being behind for most of my life.

I am very likely purchasing a vehicle tomorrow. A vehicle which is already well set to start building out into my dream. It is a price point I can afford and advertised to be in a condition that is above average for the age and price point. I will be the first to have checked it out, according to the seller. I have been without a vehicle for over a year and it has been one of the toughest years of my life, even with the increase in delivery options out there for just about anything you can imagine. I still can't get cigarettes delivered where I live (and they are actively banning menthols, ugh), but I can get weed and booze delivered. How much sense does that make? At any rate, I am excited and anxious beyond belief. I likely won't sleep much tonight. It is a great deal if it is what is advertised and if I drive that thing home tomorrow, you might not hear from me much here as I will be starting a new website about my journey of purchasing and building this thing out.

My brain doesn't know how to deal with these very real and very active and very conflicting types of emotions, however. I have just gotten incredibly high and drunk and passed out the last few nights and then called out from work due to my tooth hurting - which isn't a total lie but is also not the actual truth. And then sleeping half the day.

I am hoping that if I purchase this vehicle tomorrow it will allow some space to be freed up in my head to deal with the going back to the office scenario, even if it is wildly depressing.

I should probably go back to therapy. I know it helps. The time commitment, though. Having a vehicle will help in the department however. Something to look into again next week.

Today's song:

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