JOURNAL

Man, it's been too long since I've actually journaled. I don't even know where to begin.

I know journaling is therapeutic for me, but I just can't seem to get out of my own damn way. Spending too much time distracting myself from the bullshit going on in my life, trying to pretend it isn't real or doesn't matter. And that serves no one. So, gonna try to journal a little more regularily. Again.

I have a doctor appointment to do, essentially, a whole one over on me. I've had blood in my stool a total of 6 times over the last 6 months - 3 of those times were in the last week. I have a growth on my scrotum that is probably just a cyst or otherwise benign collection of some thing or another, but it is ugly and growing fast. My migraine meds are not working as effectively as they initially were. I'm still experiencing less and less severe migraines, but they are coming back more often. I'm eating way less and far more healthy than I ever have, but I'm gaining weight at an alarming pace. I definitely have carpal tunnel in my dominant hand. I'm just faling apart. And I'm scared to learn what it all means.

Just signed another year lease in this house with my brother and my mother. There were quite literally no other options for any of us. None of us make enough money to do anything else and the rents in my area - and by my area, I mean, like a 5 state region - are way too much for a single income. Especially when considering the costs of moving, first and last months rent, damage deposit, pet rent or deposit. It's absolutely fucked out there. I have no idea how most people make shit work. I really don't. I know for a fact that the average person doesn't make a lot of money. The whole world knows that. So how can apartments and landlords expect to get what they ask and have all these ridiculous requirements when renting? It's so counter intuitive, unrealistic, and utter bullshit. We just signed our 6th 12 month lease at this place, we meant to move out after year three but just couldn't do it individually or collectively because of how fucked income and cost of living are so disproportionately not alligned in the slightest.

So here I am, again, living with a mother that is toxic and a brother that is amazing in his own right but who clearly wants out of this dynamic. Twelve more months of hell. And to what outcome? Rent has only gone up in the 5 years we've been here and wages have not met that increase. I feel trapped. And hopeless. And suffocated.

The new job is still a sure thing, but also still a waiting game with regard to when I will start. So I have been looking at alternatives to get some cash flowing in in the meantime, but again - no one is hiring or hiring with any sort of speed and efficiency. I just don't understand. I used to be able to walk into an establishment and either walk out with a job - one that I would typically start within a day or so - or a denial. On the spot. What the fuck changed? What happened? How are companies even staying staffed with how fucked up it is to apply for and get a job these days?

I don't even wanna get into my kids and the dynamic there, at least not right now.

Just been working on this site, thank fuck for its existence, and tuning into Twitch streams and streaming myself. Jungle and drum'n'bass music and community are lifesavers, that's all I can say.