JOURNAL

I am still trippin' about how my birthday went down. I should mention that it followed an equally unfuckingbelievable scenario surrounding last xmas. Much like my birthday, I don't really give a fuck about the actual holiday. For me, it is an excuse to see my family (and friends, when I still had some) and eat lots of good food, and then get really drunk afterward because I'm not good at peopling for very long. Well, it used to be. Until my mother, who arranged last thanksgiving (another holiday I don't actually fuck with, but you know) and it was a total blast. It should be mentioned that it was the first holiday she's been a part of that was a total blast. When conversing a couple of weeks later and hearing her say she was going to make xmas fun like thanksgiving was, my brother and I were excited. Elated. Thanksgiving was so wonderful, so many laughs and such wonderful conversation and downright amazing food. Could it be? Could this happen a second time?

Of course not.

After saying she was going to make xmas fun like thanksgiving - a holiday gathering she orchestrated from front to back and top to bottom - and my brother and I asking if there was anything we could do, several times over the couple of weeks that followed, and getting "no" responses, I had resigned myself to showing up with the food and such that I was responsible for and having a good time. Until the day before xmas. I asked our mom if there was anything we could do to help. Bring in tables or chairs or clean or prep or anything. She looked me dead in the face and said "what's tomorrow?". It was the day before xmas eve. I said "uh, xmas". "I didn't make any plans for xmas", she said.

At this point I'm feeling like a crazy person and I walk out of the room before I lose my shit. I check with my brother via text. Sure enough, I'm not crazy. He was of the same mind as I. Mom was gonna handle xmas. I present a longwinded retort later in the evening about how there must have been some miscommunication and how I'm being made to feel like a legitimately crazy man with the way this was all going and the conversation she and I had. No mention of any of that. She just bounced back with this bullshit about how she'll handle it, complete with a rigid list of things to bring (remember, this is the day before xmas), and that's that.

Again no apology or mention of the issue I addressed and brought to the table. But xmas happens. And it's uncomfortable and awkward and not at all like thanksgiving.

I vow to enjoy no future holidays with the family and tell them all as much. When my birthday is about to roll around, I reiterate. I tell everyone I don't want any gifts or celebrations. Well, if you've been following along you know how that went. If you've not, you can read my previous journal entries.

I have been doing everything in my power to ensure that I am not losing my mind. I mean, these are just two instances where I've been made to feel like I'm a crazy person, as far as family - and especially, my mother - goes. Then I get this new position and find myself operating this new battle station. Every day I am certain a particular cross-section of my team have issues with me. And every day I am made to feel even more sure in that feeling. One of my superiors, in particular, I think is out to get me. She never actually understands any situation I bring to the table. Ready to respond rather than ready to listen - the type of people I hate the most and the type of people who are most likely to make a sane person feel crazy.

I can order weed online and have it delivered same day, I just found out. I know that's been a thing in some places for a while, but that is a whole new thing here. Maybe life will improve if I can just schedule recurring orders and not have to think about it. I already do it with my booze and my beers, as well as my dog food and treats. It's definitely allowed other things to be addressed and dealt with. Been working on sorting it out as far as actual groceries go and haven't had a lot of wonderful experiences. As such, I've been spending too much on Doordash for food from restaurants. But this is not a sustainable model. But fast food on your doorstep and local mom'n'pop restaurant food on your doorstep... shit is amazing. But expensive, so gotta dial that shit back.