JOURNAL

As you can see, I finished updating the website. Entirely. Everything works as intended and the update is in place front to back. Whew. it doesn't satisfy all of the issues I had with my previous theme, in terms of updating it and keeping it current, but it addresses enough of them to make it stick. Plus it just looks sexy. Click around, you're not likely to get bored any time soon. Each page has it's own images for the bar underneath this body and in the top right hand sidebar. Was fun digging around and selecting those. I like bringing the site a bit more current, but still clearly a nod to the early web.

I'm pretty glad I finished the overhaul, as almost as soon as I finished the final update I took a huge emotional nosedive. I've long had untreated and unmedicated chronic and/or recurring depression. I was on meds for a while and saw a therapist for a while. It has hard, though, being a single dad. Time is a hard thing to come by for an individual in this world we've created for ourselves, time is even harder to come by when you're trying to keep three individuals on course. I've always managed to keep things moving despite it all. But nope, not this time. Today and yesterday were days home in bed for 3/4 of day while crying for 1/2 of them. I almost didn't even let my supervisors know I wouldn't be in yesterday, I just couldn't bring myself to send the message initially. It took actual work. If I hadn't finished the update on this site when I did, who knows how long it'd be sitting incomplete.

And what a stupid thing to be concerned with when I'm as self aware of the awful shape I am in right now.

I don't really have anything else right now, though. Other than work. My kids are both adults and working and doing their own things. See 'em here and there, mostly only the youngest becuase they still live with me. So the very essence of my life purpose for the better part of two decades is kind of a non-issue at this point - certainly not as big of an issue.

I haven't been able to draw for a hot minute now. I journaled about this not long ago, but not much has changed. At least nothing much other than feeling further imobilized as a person. When I don't draw, I cease to function as well. Clearly, based on where I'm at these last couple few days and right now.

None of the people I thought were friends were actually friends apparently. I have journaled about this before, as well, but for fucks sake. If one leaves Facebook it's almost as if that person ceases to exist anymore. Which echoes how I kinda feel based on this, not drawing, and a number of other things. And it all just pisses me off to no end.

I haven't been able to watch any television show or movie of substance in weeks, possibly months, as well. Only asbolute trash or things I've watched before that I don't really have to entirely show up for to enjoy throuroughly.

I have my van, but not enough money to do anything with it right now. Other than fuel it up, cuz goddamn gas prices are high and the thing is a fucking guzzler.

I have my dog, she's amazing, but she doesn't speak english. Or bring much to the table other than being cute and cuddly. Which is tons. Boatloads. Especially right now.

But, yeah, ain't got much keepin' me focused and goin' right now and simultaneously feelin' terribly forgotten and neglected. And without purpose. And disliked.

I've also been drinkin' and smokin' a whole lot. A whole lot more. Which I know ain't doin' me any favors, but I have no way else to sleep or turn down enough to just exist in this maelstorm. I can't imagine what it would be like to go on not sleepin' right now like I was when I wasn't self-medicating. The head ain't a good space when awake, when you barely hit REM sleep and the dreams you do get are the ones I got, you don't really wanna go to sleep either. Gettin' so stoned and/or drunk that I pass out isn't a great solution, but at least I don't wake up with dream fatigue.

And then I look at the dumb shit I actually am doing lately. Besides drinkin' and smokin' too much, of course. Go to work. If I do. Which I mostly do. Until recently. Three of seven nights a week I get high and/or drunk on Twitch tuned into DJ and gaming communities where we exchange jokes, play games, listen to amazing music. And, truthfully, I feel like we have built an amazing community there. I am genuinely happy to see familiar faces in familiar places. Why wouldn't others feel the same way? And that's why this is a great community, especialy for me and where I am at right now. But all I can think is that it is because of the money I have spent on some of these communities. Subscribing to channels I enjoy. Throwin' down bitties when I am especially into a tune or conversation or space or whatever. Are these paid relationships? In essence and experience, they don't appear to be or feel as though they are. On paper, however, that's exactly what they are. And what kind of a social circle is that for a mid-40s dude who was once the life of all of the parties and lived a life as an elder, so-to-speek, in any given scene, in a lot of ways.

I miss being important. At least in terms of what "important" means to me, at any given moment in time. And perhaps, therein lies the core of the issue. I never sit too much in any one pocket, to begin with. And I definitely don't sit in any one single pocket all of the time for any length of time. As such, my friends have typically been friends of circumstance or cituation - occasionally, convenience. The friends I thought I made for life or longterm continually fade into the backdrop of the mundane. Life happens, decisions are made. People move, delete their Facebook. I never find it hard to find someone I want to stay in touch with. Apparently I am alone in that. I reach out, I get nothing. I hear something, I respond, I get nothing. I reach out, I get nothing. Eventually, even the backdrop fades into itself.

And here we are. Approaching redacted and here I am. Have done some great things, proud of a number of them, but incapable of just... fucking... being...

At least right now.

I have become addicted to 8 Ball Pool in The app Store, too, by the way.