JOURNAL

I didn't go to work today. I couldn't. I woke up on time, despite having far too much to drink and smoke last night. I gathered my things to head into the bathroom and shower. I dropped everything on the floor, turned around and walked back into the living room and flopped down in my armchair. Complately naked. And sat there.

About a half hour later, I decided I should probably email my team and let them know I wouldn't be in today. That process took about an hour to complete.

Just yesterday I was celebrating a big moment of emotional growth and wellbeing. Feeling decent about myself.

What. The. Fuck.

I am just tired and waking up every day to do nothing all day to come home to doing more noting all night is getting really fucking old at this point. But I CAN'T do anything.

I am just so incredibly tired of people while simultaneously being hungry for some sort of attention from them. Since I quit doing commission work and got off social media, it's like I don't even exist. Have I ever really had even just one true good friend? Hell, they don't even need to have been good, were any of them ever real?

Shutting down that weird kinda-relationship I found myself in was the right thing to do, but the dynamic has changed already and I'm not getting messages like I was. I miss it already. I miss someone thinking I was desirable in some way, just for being who it is that I am at my core. I miss being in my late teens and twenties and everything was amazing and new and I didn't have a reason to think that everything was not as real and important as it was.

I miss not knowing what the hell I was doing and that being okay. I miss fumbling around in the dark, in parked cars, in corners feeling my way around life. Truly and metaphorically. I miss catching passing kisses and rough makeout sessions in corners and on countertops. I miss taking my first hit of acid and coming back from it a changed person, a different person, a new person. I miss lying on our backs underneath the electrical tower, buzz in our our ears and electricity felt real between our fingers and skin. I miss walking away from the first train I painted, cheeks literally sore from smiling and muscles sore from climbing and running and bending and standing. I miss blowjobs. I miss endless conversation about real matters - art, music, literature, film, etc. I am so tired of talking about politics and religion. I am tired of prices rising and my pay/support systems working on financial models from the 1970s. I am tired of rich people with poor people dreams presented as problems. I'm tired of gaining wait. And weight.

I am so fucking exhausted.

If I didn't have kids of my own, I would have long ago cashed in all of my chips. Seriously, what the fuck is this world we've built for ourselves? Fuck off.