JOURNAL

Some folks reached out to me here on Neocities and directly via email and that was very nice. It's hard to remember there are good things and good people in the world, sometimes.

Especially when you have two teeth decaying in your mouth so bad that there's now an infection and the pain is damn near immobilizing. And the soonest you can be seen to get them extracted due to your insurance is two weeks out.

Especially when your mental health is so far down the trash chute that it, too, is damn near immobilizing. And the soonest you can see someone to work through the mess that is your brain is three weeks out.

And I have to take some of that back, both have not been just nearly immobilizing, each has been entirely immobilizing at least a couple times in their own right. I have called out from work more than once due to both situations.

I will likely not be able to pay my rent or internet bill this month due to missing work and having to pay out of pocket for shit that medical insurance should cover entirely.

Yet I supposedly live in the greatest nation on Earth. How? How is that accurate when the healthcare system and insurance industry are so fucked up and downright corrupt? How can that be when we are damn near the only country on the planet with mass shootings? How can that be when the government and big corporations are in partnership to make money first, consider the wellbeing of citizens and employees and animals and nature second? I could go on. I often do. And it occupies way too much of my thought proecesses, I think. But at the same time, maybe it doesn't ccupy everyone else's enough.

It's one of those situations where, like, you gotta ask yourself - are those with mental health problems really suffering, or is the world just that fucked up and only some of us are blessed/cursed to be able to see it for what it is?

I have been romanticizing about having a sginifcant other so bad the last week or so. Having dreams about exes, having dreams about unknown lovers, not so many sex dreams really though. Mostly just like romantic moments, small moments. Holding hands for a sec, snatching a kiss while leaving the room, placing a kiss on a forehead, watching water. It's so... different.

I really, really, really miss caressing someone's body, though. Like, ultimately, my most favorite physically intimate moment is caressing someone. Tracing the shape of their body with my fingertips and hand and memorizing it for all eternity and being grateful for the opportunity to do so. I need that again. At least for a single night.