JOURNAL

Based on how the last few months have been and gone, I feel like I should feel more of something about the fact that my van is shittin' the bed. This is not to say I don't feel anything about it, which would actually be worse. While I am horribly bothered by it and it is going to drastically alter the course of my life for at least the next couple of months on an at least financial basis, I'm also quite accepting of the fact that there's nothing I can do right now and sort of settled into the notion of just takin' the hits as they come and crossin' each bridge as I get to it. Which is wildly opposed to my habits of overthinking and overplanning everything on good days and feeling suffocated and drowned by them on bad days.

That's either healthy - or, at minimum, healhier - so I'll take it.

I watched a series of videos at work today on my downtime - of which there was plenty, being Memorial Day here in the USA and all - and found this odd source of inspiration and... I don't know what the word or words for it are. I guess I just feel sort of rejuvinated. That's the best term I can come up with. I watched a few videos by a couple of girls aged 18 and 19 who saved up for and bought vans and then (mostly) on their own did builds and followed it all up by roadtripping in them for extended periods of time - essentially living in the van for a while. One of them was very grounded and matter of fact and hyper responsible and focused in a more levelheaded leftbrained fashion, the other was more emotional and emotive and head in the clouds right brained. I'm transfixed watching these young women with little to no experience with the tools and materials to do a build essentially on their own who also happen to be pretty small in stature. If these youngsters can save and sacrifice money and time and socializing and so much more... I'm bein' a little bitch about my failing fuel injector.

All that said, I am still very much in the middle of a pretty severe mental health situation which I would file in the "crisis level" folder. Thankfully, after a snafu with the original orgianization I was planning to work with - and not feeling terribly hopeful about - I landed on a different organization and start therapy on Wednesday. Very much needed and I couldn't be more excited and hopeful. Just knowing that I have the appointment scheduled was a big boost in how I was looking at things and feeling about things. That it's only two days away makes it even more exciting.

I still don't know how I'm going to manage paying rent and internet and be able to get the van fixed, expecially on a timeline that won't throw any more wrenches into things. But even that isn't bothering me like it typically would. Again, not feeling nothing, just not freaking out how I normally would.

And I finally have an actual factual appointment to get these problematic teeth out of my skull, once and for all. Cannot wait.