JOURNAL

Wow. So many thoughts.

I've been back in the office at work since the end of March or something like that. In that time, it has been pretty chill. It is not a typical office dynamic, hence the only way I can stomach working in it. But today, after being with this company for over six months and not once seeing something like it in that time, we received an email that there were "snacks and treats in the breakroom" to celebrate everyone with a June birthday. The email then went on to list the name of the person and the day of their birth. Luckily not the year, otherwise I'd be straight losing my shit. That said, I became physically ill for a moment after reading that email. It was straight out of the television show The Office (Original UK version for those that fancy it instead) and it is everything I despise about corporate life and office setting workplaces. This was, as mentioned, the first time they've done something like this since I started. However, I was informed that they actually used to do the giant novelty birthday card with everyone's signature and wishes inside - again, just like the television show. Fuck me. If this continues between now and my month of birth, I will 100% be emailing HR and requesting zero mention.

I had an old "friend" text me. First time in the several months since I've been off of social media - where he used to message me fairly often. Only to ask if I was going to any shows any time soon. When I said I was not and that I'm pretty much done with the local scene and going to related live music events in said scene due to health concerns and money - zero reply. How quickly they forget. So, I became curious. What made him decide to message me today of all days? I didn't find an answer, but I did find another local visual artist in the same scene borrowing heavily from my previous output for the aforementioned scene. I am, in general, pretty pissed about it. And I was gonna make a big stink about it and get back on social media in earnest and light some fires and walk away. But then I thought... To what end? I don't even want to be a part of that crowd anymore. My old friend's text was a pretty good testament as to why and seeing my artwork being stolen-slash-borrowed-from just sealed the deal. To speak nothing of my legitimate health and financial concerns. Fuck that scene and fuck everyone in it.

And then I fell down the rabbithole. The self-loathing one. The one filled with self-doubt. And I began asking myself allllll those questions. I ended up being less concerned with the answers to all those questions, you know the ones. And I stepping-stoned my way to more helpful thoughts and questions. Why do I care what people think about me as much as I do? Why do I care that a small niche scene has a poser stealing from me for artwork that will never leave that small ass circle? Why do I care so much about typical office dynamics? Why do I care if anyone texts me, ever? Why is my birthday not a big deal to me while also being a big deal to me that I want to have control over?

I didn't come up with any answers. But those are more healthy questions, so I'm good. For now.

Related: Fuck that therapist I saw. He burrowed a hole in my brain that I am not happy with. "Tell yourself good things in the mirror every morning, you'll be surprised how good you feel in a week". While that may be a legitimate tool in working on ones mental health, that is the last fucking thing one wants to hear on the way out the door from their first therapy appointment where all the therapist did was look at a computer screen and then to his phone every time it made noise.

My mouth seems to be healing up pretty nicely since oral surgery yesterday morning and I could not be more thrilled. After what seems like a six month long curse of the universe just raw dogging me and kicking me square in the jaw while already down, this is a nice change of pace. Stopped bleeding last night, pain stopped about 9am this morning, I can eat regular food without issue. Thank the stars.