JOURNAL

I believe I am somehow, inadvertantly, becoming a favorite among my supervisors - with special regard for one in particular. While I did not want the exact opposite of that, when I took this position I was really hoping to just slide in and operate under the radar. No one telling me I'm fucking up. No one telling me I'm excelling. Just right in the sweet spot of being someone everyone else is aware of while also being almost forgettable. That's just where I am in life. I'm tired of steering the ship or being the guy that cleans up the shit. Somewhere in between would be nice, for once.

Framed within just receiving a dollar raise on Monday and receiving glowing reviews from one of my supervisors who is known for having a flat affect regarding everyone and everything just today, Wednesday, it sounds kind of whiny. I accept that. Those are things a lot of people seek and aim for. Done did it. Multiple times in multiple ways within multiple types of relationships, personal and business alike. It's tiring.

On an aside - I wish we would stop minimizing each other's problems and obstacles, everyone's problems are their problems and very real to them. The focus on other people's problems being bigger or smaller than your own diminishes your ability to address your own.

The part(s) of the office dynamic I wanted to avoid are now in play. Ugh.

I've been trying to save up to get my van fixed. I've been drinking (a little) less. Not eough. But, I have also gotten kind of used to the current schedule I'm on, riding in with my brother for the early mornings and salt'n'perppered evening shift somehwere in there. By the way, thank FUCK for my brother. My only sibling and over a decade my junior, while helping my/our single mother raise me/him, I helped raise him/myself. After raising two children of my own entirely on my own for almost 18 years - consisting of a now 18 year old and 20 year old - after that and being where I am now... emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, everythingally... I would NOT be here to type out even more asinine, mundane, and confusing things for this website. Shouts to that dude.

But yeah, The Van is still outta commission - almost two full months later - and it's almost impossible to save money right now with the way prices are going up on, quite literally, everything. Ramen prices gone up, gas prices gone up, cigarette prices gone up, beer prices gone up, rent got increased last month. My wage? By proportion - the lowest it's ever been.

I wish someone would just figure out for sure if we were in a simulation or not and I hope that discovery had nothing but cold hard facts that we are living in a simulation, because I'm ready to pull the plug on this shit. The simulation has gotten out of hand and the glitches seem more common and greater in size than ever before.

I wanna sit in a tree and read a book and listen to a crazy harsh noise wall record made by nature.