JOURNAL

Christmas eve eve. Yay.

A lot of people get really excited for Christmas (or whatever other holiday they celebrate around the same time of year). I do not. I did as a kid. When I was naive and innocent. But since my early teens - maybe even pre-teens - I pretty much have dreaded Christmas. Until I had my own children and didn't live near my family. I've ranted and raved at length about my mother and how holidays and her just simply do not vibe with one another. I wish I didn't feel compelled to do so again. But sharing living space with her makes it difficult for her to not be a continuous problem in my daily life and beyond. Christmas 2022 is no exception.

I honestly forgot where I left off with this tale as old as time itself - or at least as old as myself, what with all the deleting this site and associated server and dipping out for a bit and all that. Thanksgiving saw my mom throw a temper tantrum and not participate. Later learned to be the result of her thinking my trans child was mad at her for using the wrong name - which they were, but was surely not going to be an issue at Thanksgiving. If anything, my mother's inability to have a conversation without getting heated and angry and combatative if she doesn't agree with an opinion or viewpoint. So that's laughable. Way to let a teenager ruin your day.

As Christmas began to approach, I ripped the bandaid off and inquired about the family getting together. My daughter, bless her heart I could not be more proud, chimed in that she didn't want to participate but hoped the rest of us had a nice time. I knew it was a result of how my mom - her grandma - acted and continues to act whenever the family gets together - especially during any fucking holiday whatsoever, which I highlighted above. My mom, her grandma, inquired directly to my daughter why she didn't want to participate and, again I could not be more proud, my daughter replied with all the reasoning in no uncertain and simultaneously considerate and respectful terms. My mom lost it, wouldn't hear it, took no accountability, and went off the rails about how she will not participate in any future familiy gatherings and how offended she felt that no one asked her why she didn't want to partake in Thanksgiving and then pulled out a number of You owe Me cards which she's clearly been chomping at the bit to throw down on the table and attempt to cash in on with regard to all the things she's done for my kids and myself and the three of us and the family as a whole. All as some sort of reasoning for her unreasonable behavior.

To be clear, my mom has definitely pulled me out of some ditches and ruts over the years, as a child and adult alike. And I have always been grateful and expressed that to her. Most times (as in, I can't think of a time where I have not) repaying her in kind. Dollar for dollar, task for dollar, dollar for task, task for task, whatever it may be. If I feel I've been done a solid, I repay that shit always. Full stop. Additionally, and within reason, isn't that just what a parent is supposed to do? Anyhow. To have some sort of card in her back pocket to pull out is laughable at best and sad at worst. Family is a game, to her. I can't see it any other way, with this kind of activity. Someone has to win, rather than us all getting ahead together. I can't see a different way to look at it.

Friends of mine and my brother have often said "Can;t you sit down and talk with her?", and the answer is no. No we cannot. When we've tried, within in minutes she throws her hands in the air and walks out of the room and then makes life a living hell to interact with her for months on end. If not longer.

All this to say, I pretty much told her to kick rocks, in proportionately inoffensive but in no uncertain terns. It felt great. Life has been hell in this house since, however. Five more months until the lease is up and I can on my merry way.

At any rate. I have to work a half day on Christmas eve. In a call center (from home, thank fuck and thank bilzzard conditions). That sells and supports musical equpiment strictly online and over the phone. First off, it's the weekend so the ability we have to do much of anything is almost nonexistent. Additionally, it's Christmas eve into Christmas day, where we can effectively and actually do nothing at all. Add to that the so-called Bomb Cyclone that is quite literally wrecking shop across the United States as it makes its journey and disrupts every kind of traffic you can think of - shipping companies included. Well, FUCK. Why am I even punching in? Truly.

At any rate, I am getting together with my kids tomorrow, adult children with their own lives that they are, and I could not be more excited. It's rare the three of us are anywhere for any noteworthy length of time. I love my kids. They've grown up to be amazing humans. My oldest's boyfriend will be joining us and I ain't mad at that, either. He has his own unfortunate family dynamic and he 100% loves and appreciates my daughter to the fullest. He is making steak, my oldest is making a mystery dish, I made the three decade old (probably older) tuna pasta salad my kids grew up with but haven't had for a while, as well as a cheesecake. I think my youngest is doing stuffing and dinner rolls. It's about to be a good ass meal with my favorite people alive. Documentation to come.