JOURNAL

I'm not even sure why I'm angry, but I am. The girl I had a brief online relationship with has continued to be a huge person of support in my music and art hustle, as well as being there for me when things have been tough on any number of levels. And I have been the same to and for her. But I shut the romantic aspect down some months ago. And I just found out she has a partner and I think maybe I was living in some sort of dream world where me shutting her down on that level while still being mutually supportive and there for one another left some sort of open door for me when I got over my own damn self. But that's clearly not the case. She's just an amazing human who is still here for me who managed to get on with her life and I'm just this pathetic piece of shit thinking I had some sort of relationship and control over a situation when, in reality, the only thing I have control over is my own actions.

I'm happy for her, in earnest. I'm devastated, personally.

Why am I like this? Why can I not accept and enjoy any positive energy and interest from anyone I remotely feel attracted or connected to?

I hate my job, I'm the only male working there and I'm one of few in my elevated age range. It's a catty, gossipy, lazy, and entitled work place. Something I really did not expect to run into working in the mental health services realm. I'm so sad and disillusioned and downright disgusted. I will not last at this position more than a month, and that's pushing it. Aditionally, this position was advertised as "business casual" and that is anything but the reality. I had to go buy business clothes to retain this position and it broke my spirit and my bank account. I have not gone and purchased new clothes in something like three years and in that time every gotdamn company on the planet has decided to price gouge. It's unreal. I purchased some pretty basic, non-brandname clothes today. Pants, shirt, and sweater. $155. What The. Fuck.

In short, kinda wishing I woulda jumped that train a while back, fuck this life.